Because this is my first funeral in eighteen years, and all i felt is numb. 

I just lost my grandma, whom i always been so close with. The worst part is, i did not been with her for two years (and this is actually better than my mom, her youngest daughter, who had not been home for four years). She was buried four hours ago at the time i typed this post. I only cried once when her turned-blue body came home from the hospital. I haven't cry ever since that, not even when i saw her body wrapped in white linen was buried with red soil. 

I am definitely sad, that is no doubt. I was her first grandchild, i have all the memories my little brother and my cousins did not have. I was someone she has always been so proud of. Lala ranking satu, Lala pintar bahasa inggris, Lala ini, Lala itu. I was someone she has always been so proud of after my mom. She had always bought me nice things, cook me nice food. In a split second i lose it all. It is no easier than i thought it would be. 

But I haven't cry, at the point my mom asked, did i felt the burden, did i felt the lose, did i felt sad? I did. I just don't know how to express it. I just felt... numb. Sure my world felt like it collapsed at some sort. But everything is just like...alright. Then what?  

But it was bigger than then what, i mean it. 

There's a lot of regrets, a lot of what ifs, a lot of i should have been...blablabla. The fact that i was in Surabaya searching for my temporary homes during University, while she was calling us, calling me and my mom to come home. To come to Padang, and i still replied with, "Nanti Lala liat jadwal kosong, ya, Nek.." I told her i need to see my schedule... my schedule that now i realized was not as precious as her existence in my life. 

We finally came home a week after, after the uncles, my mom's brother told my mom that my grandma was rushed into the hospital. We finally came after everything get worsen. My mom finally came home after its difficult just to talk to her with all of the medical stuff attached to her, my mom finally came home with the proud of her military uniform, something my grandma has bragged all over her life; that her daughter is an army. After five days, that same uniform that my mom wears accompanying her taking her last breath. 

I was there in the first day, i told her i'll come back after taking a bath but everyday after that, i was not allowed to go in. It was ICU. But im glad my mom and her siblings spent days, taking turn to take care of grandma in her last days. It was finally peace, after long years of being single parent. And i think it was where she thought would be enough, that she left all of her kids with a certain stability in life.  

In the end, it was numb that left lingering between us. 

I just need to cope with this feeling a little bit, because im stronger, way more stronger that i grown after the last time she told me to be a strong daughter. Because im the oldest of two, that my parents are both an army. I am way more stronger that she taught me, i am way more stronger that proud, is the only thing she can utter in heaven. 

Best regards,

Clarissa. x