i've been busy, not sugarcoating or anything. that's my only reason to stopped writing here as much as i want to. i admit that sharing my daily lives via instagram story and twitter seems soooo much easier. even though i know theres not much people read blogs nowadays, i do realize some of you waiting for me, perhaps..., even worrying?? but don't worry! i am perfectly fine though theres numerous of breakdown going along. 

i am in grade twelve, (will be was in a month, too) and whats more stressing then university entrance exam? if any of you here is not an indonesian, let me give you a brief explanation of indonesia universities application period.

there is seleksi nasional masuk perguruan tinggi negeri (snmptn), and seleksi bersama masuk perguruan tinggi negeri (sbmptn). snmptn was held around february to march, while sbmptn this year will be held in may and early june. 

when you got into the last months of your grade twelve first semester, your school give you a parallel rank, which means your rank within the whole school. to be eligible applying at snmptn, u need to be top 40% in your whole school. snmptn is somewhat easier because they only select you based on your report card, while in sbmptn, every high school students can essentially do this exam.  you will do this whole big exams that i kid you not, is very difficult. (though i only know the exact problems from last year's exam and this year's try out.) You are given two choice of university or two majors on each of snmptn and sbmptn. 

luckily, there is another way you can get into a public university, jalur mandiri. In which u offers urself to your desired university. By this means, u need to try every university one by one. Also, jalur mandiri is way more expensive than the snmptn and sbmptn one. 

(Important side notes, public schools from elementary to high school are free in Indonesia but public university is not. Though, it is still cheaper than private university. However, the prestiges of public university is also high. That's why even people who can essentially pay for private university went to take sbmptn and get into public university, anyway. Also if you are poor, there is a help from government in which they will pay for your tuition. kinda like a scholarship?? ig) 

Back to my case, i am really a mediocre student in high school. Not that i did not do anything at all, in fact i was a vice president of english club and i did several MUNs. But that's it, not anything spectaculars that made people remembers me. I don't have any circles and i dont know a lot of people, but i know several people that were kind and helped me along the way in high school (if you're reading this, then hi and thanks, a lot!). Anyway, what i meant by being mediocre is also having average grade (which is not acceptable as i went into one of prestigious public high school in Jakarta) is also meant that i did not get the 40% quota, my initial thought in the beginning of 2022 is to take the sbmptn and hope for the best. 

the thing is, sbmptn fucked me up. that exam is crazy maaan i swear to god. my parents actually pay for an afterschool academy to helped me in sbmptn but fuck it, i dont think i can. besides, my goals is to get into a law major at top 10 universities, (wherever is that i dont care tbh i just need to get into the law major on one of that 10 universities). if my result on sbmptn is similar to what i got at tryout, i wont get in! 

apparently, some university opened their jalur mandiri with report card and earlier exams than snmptn and sbmptn. i jumped quickly into it. take my first toefl (which scores 570 with 2 weeks studying time, let me brag about this okaayyy??), made my essays for those universities and take the academic exams and so on until i got to interview with the lecturer. 

and how lucky i am, at march 8th 2022, earlier than snmptn announcement,