it may seems like i only write during my hardest time, but well, hi! 

i'm back, and i would say i don't feel fine. 

i may clarify that the reason i did not write much was because i. was. busy. cliche? yes. but that is the truth. i was so busy that i missed holidays, i was so busy that i forgot to take care of myself. perhaps the worst thing of all this busyness is that it did not leave any place for my head to think, to be poetic and stuff, to romanticize my life and write it down in pages. 

i grew well as a functional human being in the society, i cultivate some skills and become so good at it now i become known of those skills. titles, roles and honors are suffixing my name to the point i need to become something everytime. mediocrity did not exist in my vocabulary during those times. 

but as people say, setiap masa ada orangnya setiap orang ada masanya—in every time there is someone, and for every person there is a time. i have officially left all those titles and roles. regeneration, it is inevitable. i would also mention my tendencies to gak betahan, to always hold the feeling of exploring new things and excel at it. jack of all trades wannabe. now all those roles and titles was not mine anymore and i left it with my full conscience. i know i want to do something else. 

those roles, titles and honors stacked my linkedin full. but not with my ego. i got left empty after letting go of those things that fill my 2023. who am i now? what am i gotta do? i don't even know, i never fully know myself except that i was made by the feelings of an explorer, of a conqueror. 

for the past one year, i build my entire personality, my entire self worth on those titles, roles and honors. i was my suffixes, not my first name. i beg people to not remember me of everything i cared for, rather, remember me of being excel at my job and everything i did. i become everything that could be destroyed in one finger snap. 

i went straight away to a limbo after everything ended, where everything is uncertain, where everything is stagnant and boring and unmappable. it can't be explored, it sucks, and i hate it (with all of my heart, in the name of my god). this limbo provides me with these face-shoving facts that i did not know myself and i lose my path. it sort of calling me loser in the most unique way possible. (again, i hate it with all of my heart, in the name of my god). 

this explorer tendencies of mine cannot stand still, knowing this limbo is impossible to be explored. navigating the way out, i tortured myself once again like those busyness last year give me. i am now trying everything that was offered to my face. is this how you navigate a limbo? i. dont. fucking. know. what i know is that i need to get away as soon as possible and find yet another soil where i will built my entire self again. 

i apply for scholarship aborad and simultaneously apply for yet another chances of representing my university in overseas competition. i also accept the offer of writing a paper. i don't even know if i can do it all but i tried to spread odds to get out from this limbo. this whole navigating the limbo thing is tiring without any satisfaction. i might as well just drown myself (literally) to get out. 

so, yeah... a life update: i am lost. that will be the underwhelming end of this entry. 

see you on the other side (literally and poetically). 

best regards, 

klaire x.