It seems like i'm drowning in a gray-colored pool these days. 

Last month, everything turns gray—not black, but enough to choke my nyctophobia ass.

I know this is a call for help. So i did, from going to the emergency room 1am in the morning and frantically calling for anything that could help me grasp even just a little bit of oxygen. Spent 2 hours with a psychiatrist which i didn't know apparently stand by at the ER and got discharged at 3am. Later at 9am, i come back to talk with a different psychiatrist which is recommended to me. 

Anyhow, i got diagnosed with anxiety disorder (which i already know for a long time), and clinical depression. I was recommended to take meds but here's a thing, i have never been fond of meds, and a that was why i went to psychologist rather than psychiatrist before. But now i finally realized when this illness started messing up with my life. with me. I was eager for help earlier in the day, so meds it is. 

It's been a month of meds and weekly therapy. I am getting better but i don't think I'm cured yet. There will be a long time to go, and i will go through that. Meds work perfectly on me now that im functioning really well. Even though i admit its pretty sucks to take meds every day at the same time, as i have never been good with scheduling. I went to my last therapy session for this month today (and this year!! yaayy!) and was prescribed a month-long of meds since i won't be in Surabaya for a month for holidaaaayy. 

Either way, if there is something that is rooted within me throughout the therapy session is that; 1) not everything needs to be within my control, 2) this world does not revolve around me only, 3) i don't need to please everyone and 4) it's okay to be not okay. 

Sometimes i forgot that i was born with two pairs of human hands and human eyes, i have no superpowers whatsoever. These pair of human hands wouldn't be able to take care of every single matters in this world, and that's normal. Nothing to be stressed about. But these human hands, it can always close my eyes and ears. 

Nonetheless, i rather to just leave it be and use these human hands to learn, to adjust, and to process, these human eyes to observe and understand. This human body to heal. 

This past one month is gray, and i am well aware that it is not within my control. I just acted like i am seeing the world through a gray lens and though i admit how sucks and boring it is, i slowly become enjoying it. 

Besides. gray and its thousands of shades is also a creation of God,
I suppose God would not make something so hideous, right? 

Best regards, 

Klaire x